Exploitation.

I’m going to start by saying that overall, I’m a pretty private person. It’s rare that I post my viewpoints on politics publicly, nonetheless air out my dirty laundry, especially on social media. However, we need to have a chat about slander. 

I came across a really good piece that states: “the best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words.” Now, domestic violence is no joke. If I’m being frank, it’s also not something that is unfamiliar to my generations of family. If we’re on the same page morally, domestic violence is a pretty big freaking deal. It takes a lot for women to speak their truth and I will always value the courage it takes for women to tell their story, however, I will never stand for false accusations. When I say “false accusations,” I don’t mean it in a way of “victim blaming,” but more so in the way of when there are facts, backed up by actions, backed up by a history of exaggeration. Ryan and I have spoken about these accusations privately, as well as the tendency for his accuser to continuously circulate events that we are present for, and we both agreed to kill with kindness. Firm believers in that whatever happens in the dark will always come to light. Except, this wasn’t the plan we had for exposing it to the light; I figured it would be a natural consequence as opposed to me having to share this information. 

For those who have been following the dramatic saga of my relationship with Ryan, welcome back. For those who are unfamiliar, I will try to keep it from being a long drawn out story. 

Ryan and I have been in each other’s lives for approximately 8 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve had our breakups and other relationships, but we’ve also had a lot of growth along the way, too, both together and apart. One of the biggest boulders that we cannot seem to push off of the cliff of our past is his ex girlfriend, Caroline. Now, I want to be sure to say that I cannot speak on their entire relationship, given that I wasn’t present, but I will say, that she has had a very difficult time with their break up. While she may have been the one to end things, once she heard that I was back in the picture, this is when things really started to take a turn. I mean, I get it! No female ever wants to hear that her ex boyfriend went back to the woman he was dating right before her. It’s shitty, it sucks, but unfortunately, that’s just the way things happened here. 

At one point after we rejoined, Ryan and I had separated again. He was living six hours away at this point in time and it really put a damper on things, so we split. During our time apart, Ryan was able to land a job in Buffalo and was relocating back to the area. Almost immediately upon hearing this news, I receive an inbox message from Caroline:

Now, let me add a quick thing here: One of my best friends was “the other woman” at one point in a previous relationship of mine. That’s how we met, and somehow were able to connect and have a really great friendship – I even stood up in her wedding. So it’s not unlike me to make amends and start fresh, even with people that you may look at me and say, “Are you kidding?”. With that being said, I took Caroline up on the offer. She had befriended a group of friends that I was mistaken in thinking were good to me, so why not wipe the slate, forgive and forget, and move on. Soon after, I had brunch at her apartment with a group of mutual friends, was exchanging texts, I even went to her apartment to meet her dogs and watch Vanderpump rules with wine. I actually treated the situation as if she was any one of my other friends. If you look into what research says about bonding, one of the biggest, but also one of the number one things people will bond over after first meeting is…. ding, ding, someone they both don’t like. Of course, we would talk about our distaste for Ryan, again, she was like any other friend. Right? But things seemed kind of weird not too long after. I was getting texts about how great I was of a person and how much she cared about me, she would send me memes on Instagram about how the world wouldn’t be the same without me; things just became way too close for comfort. For me, I took a step back and thought “she doesn’t really even know me?” Did I say anything about it? Not really. I like to avoid confrontation in most cases so I just distanced myself. However, this text might shed some light on what these types of things looked like:

Fast forward some weeks and we reach a point where Ryan and I decide to give this thing one more shot. Again, having distanced myself from her, (and even regardless of that) I didn’t feel that this was a conversation that I needed to have with her. One day, I receive this text message:

I get that some may be reading these messages and thinking, “wow, she seems really great and genuine.” And I can see where it may look that way, but this is the exact idea that she wants you to have. This quickly, and clearly, became a relationship where she had something to gain. Sort of like “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” kind of deal. I was receiving reassuring texts, memes, “you’re so great” messages on the regular, even more so than before. If she was friends with me, she had access to information, she felt like she had some kind of control with/maybe even over Ryan. This becomes more apparent as we move on. 

Let me tie Ryan into the string of things a bit, as this becomes more monumental as we move on. Amidst the pleasantries that her and I were exchanging, Caroline was also informing anyone and everyone that Ryan would physically abuse her. Again, this was something that Ryan and I figured was a situation worth sitting in the shadows for, as how can you argue a claim as such? These accusations appear to grow with intensity as time goes on. My visual imagery of this is that an accusation is mad, people talk about it for a little while, once they are over that, the lie grows more and people talk about it again. So when people really aren’t paying any mind to it much anymore, then the BIG accusation has to come out. Which we will get to. 

The point in placing that last paragraph RIGHT there, is to really let you know that this woman is making accusations that she was assaulted by her boyfriend during the course of their relationship. So please, tell me.. actually, if you could please attempt to put yourself (because you will never actually be able to put yourself in the shoes it unless its happening to you, and god forbid that does not happen) in a victims shoes and these acts of violence were occurring, would you send this text message to him?

To me, that sounds like a bit of taunting, no? Let me also add, that this woman shows up to every single event within our rugby community. What does she do while she’s there? Places herself in ryans direct vicinity. Hell, at KO, I was sitting on a chair with Ryan leaning on it behind me, I notice movement out of my right eye and it is her, scooting herself up to stand next to him. In November, Ryan went over to get pizza at Brawlers and she thinks this is an opportune time to try and start a conversation to where Ryan says nothing and points in my direction, to which she replies, “Okay, yeah, I know where sam is.” 

So let’s slow down again here. Let’s go back to the event at KO in September where she was scooting herself next to Ryan. Also at this event, she is pointing at me from across the bar, and once she’s had a few drinks, is loudly talking about me, in a room full of people that I know. At the end of the night, one of these people talk with me and ask about how appropriate it REALLY is for us to be associating on social media. I said, you know what, you’re right. Deleted. Next morning? I get this text:

After this, I simply carry on with my day. Carry on with the next few days, to the point when I receive this text: 

Just in case you’re looking for a time stamp:

Again, I am not that close with this woman. But when I really started to think about it, I thought back to the accessibility to information and how terrible it must be for her to not feel that she has that power. I simply didn’t respond, because despite how I was as a teenager and in my early 20s, this is not the stuff that I am about or that I want to deal with at this point in my life.

Once I did not reply to that text message is when she contacted Ryan with the above message about seeing her around. Not only that, but she then turns to Venmo to get his attention by liking his payments:

So, she gets frustrated that I am not responding to her attempt at reconciliation, so the next best move is to contact your alleged abuser to inform him that he can be SURE that he’s going to see you around? Well.. a week, maybe two, maybe three go by. Look at what appears in my requests:

I found out just this week that she has also reached out to MY ex about her allegations and used it as an opportunity to talk about me and Ryan. My ex informed me that she was contacted and told that “Ryan beat me so bad, he put me in the hospital.” Which, seems to be the accusation that is circulating now. It’s circulating SO much, that she began showing pictures of her alleged bruised face to individuals in the bar last night. Now, if that is you in those photos, I am sorry that it is an experience that you had to endure. However, I know for a fact, whether that’s you or not, Ryan did not do that to you. This woman has been screaming from the roof tops that her relationship with Ryan was not all that great, but a year and a half later is when this intense of an allegation comes out? Why? Why now? Why tell everyone?

So, what did I find out about Caroline’s past? The messages are left out of this for the privacy for those involved. However, the pattern seems to be that Caroline has made multiple stories and accusations up about men that she has been involved with, and unfortunately this includes abuse accusations for some. Now again, sure it’s possible that some of these may be true, to which I had it specifically asked if the individual found them to be true, to which they replied, “no.” One of the biggest accusations, which could very well be true (and perhaps this is where the pictures came from. Although, I must say, these were not my experiences, therefore, I will not discount hers. That is unfair and frankly, would be shitty and naive) is that her ex boyfriend not only assaulted her, but her mother as well. I understand that this is not my story to be telling, however, the coincidence and patterns are way too convenient for me. 

I also feel compelled to inform everyone that New York State is a mandated state when it comes to domestic violence. The victim has absolutely no choice once a complaint is made, or they are treated at the hospital. They have no choice but to file charges. BY LAW, the abuser is taken into custody and charged. So, from what I’m hearing, Caroline was treated in the hospital and also reported it. Can someone please entertain me with how it would be possible for ryan to have obtained a job with the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT a year after this alleged attack?

The moral of this story, is that there has been a woman essentially harassing, maybe even stalking, Ryan and I. She has contacted me numerous times despite us parting ways, she has contacted Ryan, and has gone far enough to contact individuals from my past. She is very clearly doing a lot of work behind the scenes, and then when we snap, she is able to maintain her victim stand point. I have much work with trauma; a TON with abuse, and this is the first case that I have ever experienced where the individual who was allegedly assaulted so badly, that it lead to hospitalization, not only continues to put herself in the same room as her alleged abuser, but even texts them to assure them that she will be around. 

For those who surrounded her to “protect,” her, as if Ryan and I would be willing to lose everything in this world that we’ve worked hard for, you’re very good friends. However, you have sadly been mislead.

From this, sure there may be a fight back, but I speak whole heartedly that the best outcome from this would be to live in peace and to be able to attend our rugby functions with those that we enjoy, and for those that have an expectation to even be there in the first place.